Another valuable lesson

Boy, I blew that one.

I lost my shit last weekend. I blew up and made myself look like a real ass in front of my wife, my kids and myself. I beat myself up over it for a few days. Really felt down. Thoughts like, “I know better. Why did I say that? I can’t believe I did that. After all this work I’ve been doing, this is how I respond?”

I still don’t have any idea why my words came out like they did, but I know I was wrong. So. Now what?

First, was the recognition. I’m being an ass, so stop. Own it. I try not to make excuses now. I don’t blame anyone else. I can’t blame anyone else. That moment, those words, those were mine.

The next step was asking forgiveness. Even in that, I probably sounded insincere. The only thing I could do was ask and hope that those around me would forgive me. They didn’t have to, there was no requirement. I attached no strings. I knew I was wrong, they knew I was wrong. Please forgive me.

The hardest person to forgive was myself. I would usually beat myself up. “How could I be so stupid? You dumbass! They’ll never let you forget this one!”, those kind of thoughts.

These days though, I’m finding grace for myself, which is really difficult at times. I’m human. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to miss the mark. I’m going to let people down. But if I’m able to recognize it, if I’m able to grow from these moments in life, maybe therein lies the lesson?

I’ve learned a hell of a lot more in life from my failures or losses in life than I’ve ever learned from “successes”. I’d actually have to say that I haven’t had a “success'“ or a “win” without having had a setback or a “loss” prior. I’ve gotten to the point where I see a lesson now in what was previously a “loss” or a “disappointment”. Twisted as it might sound, the losses and setbacks actually encourage me because I know I’m going to learn something. I’m going to learn a new lesson. Example: my meltdown and childish behavior last weekend showed me that I still have a lot of room to grow. I’m not yet where I want to be.

There are still things to be learned. Lessons to be had. But if I’m 0.00001% better than yesterday, I’m headed in the right direction.